Sometimes I hate how much of an impact people can have on your life.
For example, in 2nd grade a teacher slapped me with a ruler for telling a boy in the class that I liked him. She told me never to speak that way to anyone and so until college I never spoke to boys aside from my brother and I was never the first person to confess feelings in any of my relationships to this day. This was the impact she left with me.
In middle and high school, I was told I was fat and ugly by classmates because I was slightly pudgy around my midsection, had bad acne and braces and stupid hair. I spent the next 5-6 years exercising and cleansing my face, perfecting my hair and eventually was published in an online magazine and used as a model for fashion photography and illustration portfolios throughout college. It’s not much but it was definitely a confidence booster. That was the impact they had on me.
About 2 or 3 years ago I fell in love for the first time, like seriously in love despite having other relationships and my life became all about this man. We moved in together, and although there were cultural differences (he was Korean), we shared everything and would go out together and I imagined literally the perfect life. We even discussed an upcoming engagement. But in the month of November of some year I don't remember, he cheated on me with a girl in a school club team. I was devastated. The flaws of the relationship came to light and I realize I had invested so much into the wrong person and I had built up this idealized image of someone who was just as imperfect as anyone else. I asked for him back stupidly but we broke up permanently soon after. I still hold respect for him because he never hid the mistake from me but told me immediately and apologized. Only recently have I chosen to forgive him but for every relationship after him, I had never trusted or invested as much emotion for fear of getting hurt. That was the impact he left me.
This past year, I had a terrible breakup with someone different. Previously, I had always had a rebound available when a relationship ended but this time I did not. My friends had left because I had been so caught up with this one person (finding love in the wrong people) and I was forced to spend 7 weeks by myself aside from class.
During those seven weeks I grew to love being alone and love time to myself and love who I was that suddenly I made new friends rather quickly and I began to forget the lack of presence in my apartment. As much as I had bad feelings towards this person, I hope he finds guidance and he was the one who made me realize I could do better for myself and it was the shit I went through with him that forced me to face my inner demons and develop the person I always wanted to be. This was an impact he had on me and I regret nothing.
In April, I met my current boyfriend and to be honest I had no idea it was going to work out the way it did. We talked and talked and eventually skyped because I was still in school so we couldn't meet up right away and I thought it was going to be an awesome friendship. FRIEND-SHIP.
I was single and I really wasn't looking for anything, but I liked the attention I got from online and I enjoyed making friends and speaking with various people on dating sites because to me none of it seemed REAL. I had been on several dates with several people but I didn't want to be with anyone and no one was about to change my mind. We decided to meet up and from the moment I almost crashed into the tree outside of his house something changed. I suddenly grew nervous around someone, and I never felt nervous. As soon as I had become content with myself, he came out of nowhere and my mind went stupid and that was the end. I know that even if we broke up tomorrow I'd be okay, because I still have my love of space and independence but something about how numb my mind goes when I look at him and the kindness and affection he has shown me has given me hope that not everyone is shitty. He is one of the only men to have treated me like an equal and I'm happy to have met him. That's the impact he left on me.
The sad thing is that no matter if someone is good or bad to you, they always leave some sort of impression that changes the way you think or the way you behave and sometimes I hate it but in the long run we can't grow as people without these experiences. I just wish some of these impressions never happened because who knows where I'd be without them.
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