Judgements

I have to admit that I am very intimidated by people who I look up to.

For example, I have a lot of respect for my friend Ally who I haven't talked to in a while. But I am intimidated by her because I think she is very cool and has a very level head on her shoulders. She's stylish and doesn't give a shit about what others think and I think it's very admirable. She handles so many things I wouldn't be able to handle well and I look up to her a great deal. Oftentimes I get intimidated by how cool she is.

I am intimidated by Cheleen because she has already been to Korea for a year and I'm afraid she will judge me for not speaking it as well as her or not knowing as much about anything. :( Same goes with Brendan. I respect them both. I want them to respect me the same way.

If I respect people, I want them to like me and it's been stressing me out. I've been so happy lately and I've been over-analyzing everything and thinking that people who I love are looking at me differently or people who I want to like me (like Brendan, Cheleen, Ally, friends and family of Louis etc) are judging me hardcore based on internet presence and appearance.

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To be honest, I suppose I am very intimidated by everyone in Louis's life because I know he takes everyone's opinion seriously and that if they meet me in person they find fault with me or my appearance or something I like. It's not so much their personal opinion of me I care about (unless its his family) but the fact that these are the important people in his life and therefore they are important to me too. I will be myself but what if that's not good enough?

Because of my face many people assume I am a certain type of person because I have the "bitch face" as the kids in college used to call it. I sometimes cater to this image because I think it's better to be hated for something I'm not than something I am. I don't mind anyone thinking of me this way unless it's someone I need to impress . It's strange. I should just be able to not care the same way I don't care about a stranger or someone who doesn't mean anything to anyone I care about, right? But it's difficult.

I think because I'm confident in myself, people automatically assume I'm a stuck up bitch, which isn't the case. I have insecurities in other areas, just not in what I look like or who I am and I think that pisses people off.

I want to be myself around those who are important to me and their friends because their opinion matters to me and I want to make a good impression but I want to have that good impression be a genuine representation of my character.

I'm just very happy right now and don't want to lose it to family disapproval. Everything has been going so smoothly and I'm just a bundle of nerves over meeting his close friends.